Thursday, 27 April 2017

Short Story | Part 2: Lonely Weekends

She opens her heavy eyes.

The room is too bright with the lights on and the fan is spinning at maximum speed parallel to her, comfy enough to doze her off for the second time to the dreamland.

"What time is it?" She asks herself while looking at the clock. 11.30 P.M.

She pulls herself up, feeling a bit dizzy only to realize that she had been sleeping on the floor all this while, with her telekung on. While struggling to stand up, she pulls off her telekung and starts folding her prayer mat to the side, clearing the way between the two beds in that small room.

The swimming drill was probably too tiring that she went blackout right after her Ishak prayer but now, she's feeling fresh and ready to do her tasks. Oh wait.. but before that...

Her stomach growls.

This is for 1000th times of regret that she feels like slamming her head on the wall for skipping her breakfast and lunch. Her eating routine is not an exemplary act as a future doctor. 'I'm not hungry', 'I'll get some food at home', 'I'll buy myself dinner', she said but now, she's sitting on her bedside, looking at the clock with a sad face. No restaurants around her hostel area are open past 10 PM and her stomach could not starve any longer.

At times like this, she wonders where her roommate and housemates are. They're probably outside with their usual group of friends, having a proper dinner while chit-chatting until past midnight. They must be laughing and enjoying the company of funny people in the group, feeling of being accepted and celebrated by the crowds. At times like this, she wonders,

is she invisible to them?

She stood up and walks to the kitchen to get some water to freshen her throat. Then, she opens the fridge door, scanning through it before setting her eyes at one part of the compartment. Her dinner. She grabs two raw eggs from the egg shelve, boils them in a water-filled pot using the induction cooker and after a few minutes, the hard-boiled eggs are completely cooked. After several more steps, she had her mashed hard-boiled egg with mayonnaise ready on the dinner table. Voila! There goes her personal recipe that she thought her mom would be proud of. The dinner was done in less than 15 minutes and after doing the dishes, she went to her study table.

'It's okay to be lonely at times', as she starts flipping through her physics lecture notes.

'You don't need friends to know your worth. You can be happy on your own', the voice in her mind continues as she unzipped her stationary case.

'What's the point of spending hours of your time doing something you don't like just so you can fit in
?' This time she already have her pen in between her fingers, spinning around between her index and middle finger. She's thinking.

A polaroid photo of three smiling girls, embracing each other so dearly suddenly attracts her. It was glued on the white wall in front of her desk, placed in between the sticky notes of Le Chatier principle and some basic rules of integration that she wrote a few days ago.

The photo was taken only a month ago, when everything was going exactly the way she wanted. She couldn't remember where they were at that time but she knew that she was feeling happy at that time. She missed that moment although it probably was just a false sense of feeling belonged and accepted.

Sometimes, she hated herself for what happened and for being too demanding, selfish and anxious. She overthinks for every single second she spares in her nights, thinking of any other way she could do to reverse the time she screwed up. The time when she thought she needed a space for herself, also when she thought it was the transition time to find friends of the same momentum and same goals.

She's too kiasu and as much as her friends told her about it being her strength, she knows that it's also her greatest weakness, especially when it comes to friendship.

And now she's at her study table, distracted by the loneliness that's eating her up every weekends while the sound of her spinning table fan occupying the empty room and the chilliness filling her empty heart.

For a moment, her eyes suddenly focus on a shiny razor blade in her pencil case.


  1. Hi may I know how do you make a choice between medicine and engineering ?

    1. Hi Jun Jie Lim, I've written a post over this matter here,

      just copy and paste the link on your browser and check it out ! Hope it helps la :)


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